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User blog:The Sam Puckett/iCarly The Abridged Series Episode 4!!!
Disclaimer: I haz cheezburger, but I no haz da iCarlyz. :P No seriously, I don’t own iCarly, as much as I’ve asked for it for Christmas, and my birthday, and New Year’s, and Hannukah, and Rosh Hoshanna, and…. iCarly The Abridged Series Episode Four: iLook A LOT Like Sam SCENE: SAM IS WALKING PAST CARLY’S LOCKER SAM: Mornin’ hotstuff… CARLY: Morning Sam. SAM: You know who sucks cheese? CARLY: Freddie? SAM: Yeah… OPENS HER LOCKER, WHILE CARLY LOOKS ON CONFUSED CARLY: Wait, didn’t you introduce your locker last week? SAM: No, that was a mistake by the company. OPENS HER LOCKER TO SHOW CARLY IT’S HERS Ya see, I got it from a random crew member on the show. CARLY: Sam, that’s so sweet, but we see each other 24/7 already, don’t we? SAM: Yeah, but this is to show the older kids that I pick on Freddie just to get close to you. He and I have an agreement: We switch lockers, and he gets bullied for the next four years. TO DUKE, THE WRESTLER, VOICED BY BARNEY FROM THE SIMPSONS DUKE: They didn’t invite me to the party, so I got mad and did this! LOCKERS RIGHT ABOVE FREDDIE RANDOM ASIAN JOCK: BY CHEECH Oh yeah? Well, my mommy says you do it like this! LOCKERS RIGHT NEXT TO FREDDIE’S HEAD FREDDIE: Uh, guys, don’t- DUKE: You hit like a girl! Girl! RANDOM ASIAN JOCK: My mom’s a girl! Hey! FIGHT, AND FREDDIE IS SANDWICHED BETWEEN TWO JOCKS FREDDIE: Hey! Wait! My character’s not gay! Seriously, I’m a main character! I refuse to be treated like- JOCKS CONTINUE FIGHTING, AND TUMBLE TO THE GROUND, WHILE CARLY AND SAM LOOK ON FREDDIE: I feel so violated! Please don’t hurt me, I’m just a boy! I don’t wanna die from your stinky-! CARLY: Hey, they’re selling 2 for jock straps in the boy’s bathroom! DUKE: Jockstrapsay wha-? DUKE AND RANDOM ASIAN JOCK: SWEAT STAINS!!! OPENS HIS LUNCHBAG SOMBERLY, PULLING OUT CHOCOLATE PUDDING FREDDIE: Mommy, they smashied my pudding, beat them up… CARLY: (IMPATIENTLY) Hey, quit your crying or no icecream later on. OUT HAND, WHICH FREDDIE TAKES. CARLY THEN LIFTS FREDDIE HALFWAY OFF THE GROUND LEXI: OMG, Carly! CARLY: (THINKING) Oh gosh, stalker chick… (SAYS) Yes? LEXI: Jake Krandle divorced that trashy Stephanie, like OMG! CARLY: OMG boy! LETS GO OF FREDDIE, AND RUNS TO THE GROUP OF GIRLS FREDDIE: Mommy- ow! CARLY: Tell me it isn’t so! LEXI: OMG is so! Which is great, because Jake’s been married, since like the third grade! GROUP OF GIRLS SCREAM, AND SAM WALKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR CIRCLE SAM: (TRYING TO GET THEIR ATTENTION) Hey, hey! (SHOUTS) Wait a minute! Please tell me all you girls realize that this dude’s a total ripoff of me, and he’ll totally break your pretty hearts? Especially Carly’s itty bitty fragile- GIRLS SCREAM LOUDLY AGAIN CARLY:'''Are you displeased by the results of the poll? '''SAM: My heart is shattered. I think I need a minute… (LOOKS BACK AT GIRLS) FRIENDS THEME SONG TO SCENE WHERE JAKE IS TALKING TO A GROUP OF GUYS JAKE: And I then I said, “It’s cool.” Cool, right? AND SAM SLOWLY MOVE FORWARD FROM A DARK CORNER CARLY: (WHISPERING) No one can see us making out here! Success! LOOKS ON AGAIN, TAKING A BITE OF HER APPLE Look, I know we said we’d be exclusive- SAM: But-? CARLY: For some reason I have a strong urge to cook pastries on his stomach! Please don’t be jealous! SAM: I’d eat whatever you made… IN AFFIRMATION But, I don’t want him in our group. Wanna say your last goodbye? CARLY: What? Sam, don’t be unreasonable, I want his children! He could be my true love… SAM: Carls, don’t make me hit a nub with an apple… CARLY: What’re you- TAKES CARLY’S APPLE, AND THROWS IT AT JAKE’S HEAD, CAUSING HIM TO TURN AND LOOK AT THEM SAM: Carly hates you! SHOVE AND JOSTLE EACH OTHER, BEFORE SAM BREAKS FREE, AND RUNS AWAY JAKE: I think you threw an apple at my head. CARLY: Yeah, so you won’t marry me? I’ll just go to class, then… JAKE: Hold on. CARLY: Woo, he didn’t say no! JAKE: Your name’s Carly Shay? CARLY: Well, it’s good for us to learn each other’s names, you know, for our vows… What’s going on yours? JAKE: Um, you’re like a celebrity on iCarly, and I was thinking… CARLY: Oh, go on… I won’t vomit, I promise. JAKE: Could you aim away from the hair? CARLY: Yeah sure, so about our wedding? REEMERGES FROM THE CORNER, AND LOOKS ON WHILE JAKE AND CARLY CONTINUE THEIR CONVERSATION You should see my brother, and visit our apartment first, and you can be on iCarly, even if you suck kindof… JAKE: Oh, I suck? CARLY: Well, yeah, but we can still put you on. I mean, we’re letting Gibby on soon. SMILES WHILE LOOKING ON JAKE: I’ll consider your proposal. CARLY: Kthanks. JAKE: So I’ll be on iCarly? CARLY: You sure will be… RUNS DOWN THE STEPS TO CARLY, EXCITED SAM: What’d he say? Can I give him a wedgie bounce on the show? CARLY: I proposed, and he said he’ll think about it! SCREAMS IN JOY, SAM IN FEAR ADMINISTRATOR WALKING IN And then I said, “I’m a lady, we girls don’t do that.” SAM: Uhuh, and boys have cooties… they’re so gross, I wouldn’t kiss theee- ADMINISTRATOR WALKS AWAY, AND THE GIRLS SCREAM AGAIN TO SCENE WITH CARLY AND SPENCER WORKING ON A SCULPTURE CARLY: Ok, so what’s the point of this game again? SPENCER: This one time, I passed out, and woke up in this exact position. I think I was duck hunting… (DISTORTS BODY, SIMILAR TO THE SHAPE OF THE SCULPTURE ) CARLY: Yeah, for that story, we should at least point out your amazing abilities with your butt. SPENCER: Done! (TURNS ON RADIO WITH HIS HIPS) Butt music!!! This is war, lil’ sis! I was a pro at fingerpainting! CARLY: Oh, that explains so much about you… RINGS AND CARLY ANSWERS THE DOOR Oh hey Ja- AH! I can’t talk to you! JAKE: Look, I know about Sa- IS SLAMMED IN HIS FACE, THEN CARLY REOPENS THE DOOR CARLY: Just kidding, wait there! SPENCER: What happened? CARLY: The boy who looks like my girlfriend is right outside! TO OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT, WHERE FREDDIE LEAVES HIS APARTMENT AND NOTICES JAKE FREDDIE: Hey, why is someone hot like you outside my fair lady’s door? JAKE: I’m just here for Car- FREDDIE: It’s Paige, James. This is not Zoey101, and you’re not getting the lead girl ever. EXITS HER APARTMENT CARLY: Ok, so I’m all prettied up to get marri- FREDDIE: I’ve got it all under control. James here knows we’re in love… CARLY: Right, Jake, come inside? FREDDIE: (TALKING WHILE THE DOOR IS CLOSING ON HIM) I don’t even know what you see in him, because he looks just like Sam anyw- Whatever, darling. You just wait until you and Sam need a webcam set up in your room… ‘Cause I’m the tech guy… AWAY LIKE A CHAMP JAKE: Ok, what’s that? CARLY: Uh, nothing let’s go upstairs and- SPENCER: Hold on, what happened to Sam-? CARLY: Exnay on the ex-girlfrienday! SPENCER: Ok, but can I touch his soft blonde- ACCIDENTALLY FLICKS PAINT ON JAKE CARLY: Right, we’re going now, psycho! Kbye. (TO JAKE) ' Sorry, he’s… artists are just weird, ok? 'TO CARLY AND JAKE IN THE ICARLY STUDIO CARLY: And to your left is where our wedding photo will be. JAKE: I just want to be famous, dude… CARLY: Yeah, and there’s our car, aw, Sam and I used to sit there… JAKE: Hey, what’s this thing? CARLY: Oh, uh, you don’t wanna touch tha- PUSHES A BUTTON, AND A LOUD, TERRIFIED SCREAMING NOISE IS MADE Yeah, like I said, Sam’s into some weird- PUSHES THE BUTTON AGAIN, AND A GENERIC CARLY VOICE IS HEARD, SAYING “YES, SAM PUCKETT IS A HAIR AND SEX GODDESS. I MUST WORSHIP HER. WORRRSHIIIPPP.” CARLY: Ok, I think we’ve had enough fun with buttons- JAKE: Oh, uh that might be a problem- TO SIT ON THE CAR AND A RECORDING OF SAM YELLS “GET THE B***P OFF MY CAR! CARLY: OFF THE CAR ALARM Yeah, she’s uh, well- she’s not my girlfriend! JAKE: I’ll marry you, if you let me on your show to sing… cause, you know, every hot guy can sing and play guitar… CARLY: Well, although it’d annoy Freddie and Sam who fight over me every chance they- yes! JAKE: Kthanks. A BUTTON ON SAM’S REMOTE, AND A CAR CRASH NOICE IS MADE Hehe, bet your girlfriend isn’t famous like I’ll be- FALLS Uh, either she’s here, or this place is cursed… CARLY: “I like it on the floor!” (WAITS A BEAT) Nope, not here. TO SPENCER WITH A SCULPTED PAPER MACHETE ON HIS HEAD SPENCER: Woo!!! I’m an astronaut!! SAM: Shush, I need a rebound, and you’re the only person not into… (OBSERVES HIS SCULPTED HEAD) Carly… Yeah, I don’t think that looks hot at all… SPENCER: Dude, can’t you see I’m a super astronaut with fantastical powers? SAM: Look, I’m just here to find my girlfriend, and maybe a hot nerd. SPENCER: But- what about me? Look, I have tubes in my head like an ant? That’s gotta be cute? SAM: Yeah, I’m going before this Spam starts to develop. SPENCER: ''' Feed me some coffee? '''SAM: Meh, alright COFFEE INTO TUBE, AND SPENCER CHOKES SPENCER: Ah, the astronaut is drowning!!! TO ICARLY STUDIO WHERE JAKE IS TUNING HIS GUITAR FREDDIE: So, you steal my girlfriend, make my mortal enemy cry, and play your stupid guitar on my webcast. What, do ya think you’re cool now? JAKE: Uh, duh? FREDDIE: Dude, I hate you! JAKE: Well, your girlfriend sure doesn’t seem to- FREDDIE: I’ll back slap you right now, no joke! … I need some tissues. TO CARLY AND SAM IN AN ELEVATOR, WHILE CARLY IS APPLYING HER LIPGLOSS SAM: I’m glad to see you reconsidered this whole issue… CARLY: Sam, Jake and I are still getting married… Hm? SAM: You’re in love with me, though… CARLY: I’m not in love. (CORRECTING HERSELF) With you. AND SAM ENTER THE ICARLY TO THE STUDIO, WHILE FREDDIE CHECKS THE MIC FREDDIE: This kid’s a nub! This kid’s a nuuub! A total nuuub! SAM: He’s not a complete jerk too? FREDDIE: Well, the only way he’d be classified as a jerk would be if he kiss- SAM: NO. Just, no. JAKE: So, am I getting a contract? CARLY: Seeing as I agreed to this without thinking, we have to check if you really suck or not, ok hubby? JAKE: UP GUITAR Hey ladies and babes… I’m Jake, and this will be all your pleasure tonight. AND SINGS HORRIBLY, WHILE THE TRIO LOOK ON IN BOTH HORROR AND AMUSEMENT (AFTER HE FINISHES) Sexy, huh? AND SAM GIVE A WEAK THUMBS UP FREDDIE: (CLAPPING) Oh, I knew you would suck… TO LATER, WHERE THE TRIO IS STILL IN THE STUDIO WITH JAKE JAKE: So, like, am I famous now? FREDDIE: You could sing my mom to sleep, and she listens to hymn songs! SAM: You suck, so please leave! JAKE: I’ll go warm up for the girls out there- I mean Carly… ALL ENCOURAGE HIM TO LEAVE, SAM AND FREDDIE NEGATIVELY, CARLY, POLITELY SAM: Well, I think we’ve eliminated another guy in our fight for Carly, alright. Does he suck more than my mom on a bad day? SAM AND FREDDIE: Yes! CARLY: Nyeah, that’s my future husband! SAM: Uh, I promised to be a virgin for you, then you went and proposed to him. He’s lucky he still has his wallet and underwear. CARLY: C’mon Sam… SAM OVER TO THE SIDE You and Freddie can’t be jealous forever… SAM: (URGENTLY) Cupcake… CARLY: I’m marrying him, no questions. Now please, if you could get over that, and him being a horrible singer? SAM: Ahem, if you do, all I’ll keep doing is have nightmares about soup! CARLY: Sam, you romantic-! (LOOKS OVER) Oh, an elevator! SAM: Gotcha babe, I’ll push him, and we’ll be worry free! FREDDIE: I second that. CARLY: I’d be all for it, if it weren’t illegal. Just, shut it down or something so he doesn’t make our show suck. SAM: I love you… CARLY: We, the three of us work. At least we can all sing, and have a webshow… FREDDIE: So, we’re not killing him a little? TO CARLY AND SAM DOWNSTAIRS WITH JAKE SAM: Hey loser! CARLY: We don’t need to get married! JAKE: I changed my shirt to tie dye. Ya like? SAM: Sucks! CARLY: I hate tie dye, but cute… TRIES TO GO UP THE STAIRS, BUT CARLY AND SAM BLOCK HIM SAM: Woah, main characters only! Take the elevator, bub. CARLY: Just do what she says. She won’t take your money that way. Ok, maybe I lied… OPENS THE ELEVATOR FOR JAKE JAKE: Usually girls kill to join me… SAM: Uh, we need tissues… CARLY: And that doesn’t mean something bad… AND SAM PRETEND TO BLOW THEIR NOSES UNTIL JAKE IS GONE SAM: Quick, how can I electrocute him? CARLY: Uh, behind the thingy? FINDS A BREAKER BOX, AND OPENS IT SAM: Which button blows things up? CARLY: Red, stupid! PUSHES A BUTTON, AND THE POWER GOES OUT JAKE: Dude! Is the world ending? I can’t die young! CARLY: Yes, so don’t move! AND SAM RUN UPSTAIRS. MEANWHILE, THE PHONE RINGS, AND SPENCER ATTEMPTS TO GET IT SPENCER: Dad, I did i-! OVER THE COFFEE TABLE THE STUDIO FREDDIE: Is he really dead? SAM: He will be soon, now fight with me. FREDDIE: Why, if we teamed up this episode? CARLY: Not again, this episode’s focused on me. So, what’s our segment now that he’s gone? SAM: Making out with Freddie. FREDDIE: Don’t think so... SAM: Is so happening! TRIO IS INTERRUPTED BY JAKE IPENING THE ELEVATOR,AND POPPING OUT JAKE: I wasn’t going to disappoint my fans. And my lady… CARLY: Yeah, you’re gross now… JAKE: I’m just like Sam, but not violent. Plus you have to make me sing or I’ll sue… SAM AND CARLY: (THINKING) FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUC- (SAYS) Yeah… JAKE: Yep. My lawyer’s a lady with no foot. She’s old, and calls me grandson for some reason. None of my grandma’s look old. But she’s sue your pants off. AND CARLY ‘AW’ AT THE SAME TIME, IN DISTRESS CARLY: Wait, if she’s your grandma- SAM: She can’t save your douche self… JAKE: (NERVOUSLY) K, I can always just sue you now… CARLY: Uh, we’re having a team meeting outside… FREDDIE: I thought only you and Sam had- PUSHES FREDDIE OUTSIDE SAM: Let me kill that nub! CARLY: We’d get sued! SAM: And our show would lose views! He’s a guy me! CARLY: You can sing, though! Freddie, just auto-tune him or something. SAM: Freddie… show the world you’re gullible… FREDDIE: What am I a nerd? If you “kiss” me, then “maybe” I won’t be a virgin! CARLY: Jealous isn’t cute. FREDDIE: My offer stands. CARLY: I can’t. FREDDIE: Then, hell to the no! SAM: Either fight or kiss, c’mon! FREDDIE: I only need one- CARLY: No. FREDDIE: To show mom- CARLY: No. FREDDIE: Ok, but I’m not crazy. GO BACK INTO THE STUDIO. CUT TO THE TRIO AIRING ICARLY CARLY: So, next on the show- SAM: Carly and I are gonna “fight” live on the internet! CARLY: Yep! Even though it’s definitely illegal! SAM: Psh, psyche! Gotcha weirdos! CARLY: Yeah, you guys can skip this part. SAM: ''' We’re only letting some dude Jake sing. '''CARLY: Yeah, it’s not that awesome… Jake… AND SAM CLAP UNENTHUSIASTICALLY, WHILE JAKE ENTERS JAKE: Hot girls, ladies, this song is for all of you… And for that old lady with no foot? I’ve got your phone number… GUITAR CARLY: Hit the button thingy now! FREDDIE: “Whatever, my love!” SINGS, BADLY CARLY: Does he sound less horrible? HANDS HER HEADPHONES TO LISTEN TO JAKE’S VOICE AUTO-TUNED TO SPENCER, DOWNSTAIRS SPENCER: Aw, pretty voices in space! Lalala- ON WATER It’s not water! Or butter! BACK TO THE TRIO UPSTAIRS, WHILE JAKE IS SINGING CARLY: Time for cute Creddie! FREDDIE’S NOSE TO “GRAMMY ONE FOOT” GRAMMY ONE FOOT: He got my messages! YES! YES! YE- OVER SCENE TO CARLY AND SAM ENTERING SCHOOL SAM: Ugh, I hate mornings. And anything not involving sleep, sex, or bacon. CARLY: Ah, I provide all three for you don’t I? SAM: It’s settled, you’re my soul mate. Uh… LOOKS OVER TO SAM’S VIEW, TO SEE JAKE KISSING HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND CARLY: What the hell! I proposed to him last night and he’s back with that trash filth chick, who’s his ex-wife! No idiot remarries their ex-wife, what kind of moron does that? ! SAM: Aw, Cupcake… You got ten minutes to spare? CARLY: Not now… WALKS AWAY, AND CARLY WALKS UP TO JAKE Uh, Jake? WALK UP TO JAKE, EXCITEDLY LEXI: OMG, you’re so hot, like- UNNAMED GIRL: Oh my gosh. LEXI: Call me! UNNAMED GIRL: No, me! CARLY: Ok… JAKE: ''' It happens a lot… '''CARLY: Yeah, whatever, you’re super hot, and you look like a guy version of Sam, and we broke up because you’re a worse singer. JAKE: Well, I kinda told everyone that you and Freddie made out, so I’m all good. CARLY: Pfft, made out? That kid got a nose kiss. More than Sam and I can do on screen, but still more action than you’d get too. JAKE: Whatever, I’m hotter than you both… WALKS AWAY, TO A DISTRESSED CARLY CARLY: Is that all you got? C’mon, come at me dude, I could cut you! Sorry for the long delay!!! Thanks for the reviews and support guys! ^_^ Category:Blog posts